|
The Do's and Don’ts
of Conflict
- Do assume that everybody is doing
the best that he or she can do. Everybody
is behaving in ways that make sense
to him or herself.
- Do accept that most conflicts are
the result of bad systems and not bad
people.
- Do allow that often conflicts arise
when present systems do not allow people
to get what they need from each other.
Don't
- Do not assume that the 'right' answer
has already been discovered and is held
by one of the parties involved in the
conflict.
- Do not assume that the-truth of a
particular position is related to the
force or eloquence with which it is
presented, the number of people who
hold that position, the title of the
person who espouses it, or other circumstances
that are irrelevant to the merit of
the position itself.
- Do not go for 'winning,' 'being right,'-
and 'having the answer,' rather than
being willing to negotiate and seek
alternatives.
- Do not assume that people rather
than systems are at fault.
- Do not assume that others' positions
or behaviors are unreasonable.
- Do not assume that resolution will
necessarily create winners and losers.
The S-A-L-A-M
Model
It is not the purpose of this booklet to
talk about the theory of conflict - on why
and how it occurs - but to point out how
we can handle it to our advantage. For this
purpose, I draw your attention to a model
which I call the SALAM model of conflict
management.
The English acronym SALAM is a transliterated
version of the corresponding Islamic terms.
I want to use the letters of SALAM to
refer to a process of dealing with conflict.
The SALAM model points to a systematic
way of approaching the conflict and moving
towards a fair resolution, assuming of course
that all parties to the conflict want to
reach a fair conclusion.
The first letter S stands for stating the
conflicting view. We should not assume that
we already know what the nature or content
of the conflict is. Let it be stated what
it is that we are in conflict about. The
Qur'an advises us not to act on what we
do not know.
In sura Al Isra:
"And pursue not
that of which you have no knowledge; for
every act of hearing or of seeing or of
(feeling in) the heart will be inquired
into (on the Day of Reckoning)."
[17:36]
In sura Al Najm:
"But they have
no knowledge therein. They follow nothing
but conjecture; and conjecture avails
nothing against the truth." [53:28]
Once what is in conflict is clearly stated
- without agreement or disagreement, it
is possible to relate it to the conflicting
parties' purposes. This will establish what
is at stake and how critical is the disagreement.
Some conflict might be resolved just by
stating the parameters of conflict clearly,
because one party or the other might find
that it can live with the situation without
trying to change it.
Therefore, S stands for stating
the conflicting view.
The second letter A stand for agreeing
that a conflict exists, again without making
any judgment.
At this stage, we must detach issues from
personalities. One way to do that is, when
possible, let each side state the other
side's position as fairly as it can. This
enables them both to focus on issue, not
persons.
The third letter L stands for listening
for and learning the difference. Of course,
that is the tough part.
Most of the time, we listen not to learn
but to respond when our turn comes. Here
we must turn to the essence of the Islamic
principles of shura, by focusing on the
issues. The two parties should move to a
higher level by consulting with one another
on how to attack the problem between them.
Through this exercise of shura, they direct
their mutual resources of creativity, experience,
wisdom, etc. to attack the problem, not
one another.
As far as shura is concerned, there is
probably no other Islamic concept that is
talked about as much as and practiced as
little as shura. Therefore, I will not spend
more time discussing what shura is.
However, within the context of avoiding
conflict, one must stress the pro-active
nature of shura. When the Prophet received
the news about Abu Sufyan's caravan before
the Battle of Badr, he consulted the members
of his expedition. Sayiddina Abu Bakr and
Sayyidina Umar spoke and then al Miqdad
ibn 'Amr spoke, and then there was a long
silence. The Prophet (saw) asked for advice.
It seemed he was anxious to hear the Ansar's
view because he had made a pledge with at
al `Aqabah.
Then Sa'd ibn Mua'dh, their leaders, addressed
the Prophet (saw) asking the Prophet (saw)
if he was seeking to hear their views, and
the Prophet (saw) confirmed that indeed
he was. This anecdote stresses the pro-active
nature of shura, the idea the one has to
invite and seek shura, not simply engage
in it because it is forced by circumstances.
Of course at this stage, we must examine
the guidelines of Sharia with respect to
the issues at hand. This should also be
a mutual effort, to make the Sharia - in
a sense - an unbiased arbitrator.
The fourth letter A stand for advising
one another. This is a stage where compromises
begin to take shape. We advise one another
in the Islamic manner of naseeha, recognizing
that the advisor is not always right. Two
things are important here.
First: we move to common
ground by proposing action that meets
the principal needs of the other party
while enabling us to reach our goals.
Second: we offer to help
carry out whatever is agreed upon. Again,
we are talking about a pro-active mode
of behavior. It requires a continual monitoring
of actions and prompt evaluative response
to them.
We all know the very famous hadith of the
Prophet (saw) related by Muslim on the authority
of Abu Ruqayya Tamim ibn Aus ad-Dari (ra):
The Prophet (saw) said: Religion is good
advice. We said: To whom? He said: To Allah
and His Book, and His Messenger, and to
the leaders of the Muslims and their common
folk.
We see that the Prophet (saw) extended
the principle of naseeha to every one from
the top to the bottom, from the leaders
to the common folks. Thus the giving or
receiving of naseeha is not restricted to
one group of the other but is a general
operational principle, specially when we
study this hadith with the other famous
one: A believer is a mirror to his brother.
The last letter M stands for minimizing
areas of disagreement that could lead to
aggression or withdrawal.
We do not want the other party to become
an aggressor because they did not get what
they wanted. In most situations, we also
do not want the other party to withdraw
from us. In most situations, this will be
only a short-lived resolution of the conflict,
until the other party feels strong enough
to challenge the resolution.
Therefore, we want to seek agreement in
as many aspects of the conflict as possible,
minimizing those aspects in which either
party has to yield its position. We recognize
that conflict is unavoidable; and that it
is even desirable to have functional and
occasional conflict.
When two people always agree with one another,
one of them is redundant.
The
S-N-T Formula
There are ways to keep conflict functional
and occasional, and avoid the emergence
of dysfunctional and chronic conflict. This
can be achieved by adopting a mode of behavior
that I call the S-N-T formula.
Those of you need who need crutches to
remember things - as I do - can make a mental
note that S-N-T is the English word
SAINT without the vowels.
S-N-T stands for shura, Naseeha
and Ta'wun.
As far as shura is concerned, we
have already discussed it above. However,
within the context of avoiding conflict,
one must stress the pro-active nature of
shura, the idea that one has to invite and
seek shura, not simply engage in it because
it is forced by circumstances. The case
of decision making before the Battle of
Badr quoted earlier is illustrative of this
point.
If we consult others in a pro-active way,
seeking shura before crises emerge, differing
points of view are brought into focus well
before positions harden, and those consulted
are likely to be supportive and accommodating
even if things do not go their way entirely.
Naseehais the second element in
the S-N-T formula. Again, we are
talking about a pro-active mode of behavior.
It requires a continual monitoring of actions
and prompt evaluative response to them.
We have seen that in the famous hadith
"Religion is advice..." the
Prophet (saw) extended the principle of
naseeha to every one from the top to the
bottom, from the leaders to the common folks,
as exemplified in the two hadiths quoted
earlier. Naseeha is not a passive mode of
behavior. It requires an active monitoring
of actions and prompt evaluative response
to them. It calls for acting on the hadith
of the Prophet (saw) "A believer
is a mirror to his brother."
Like consultation, giving and receiving
advice is also a prophetic tradition. The
Qur'an attributes this quality of character
to many prophets' including Shuayb AS, Yunus
AS, Hud AS, and Prophet Muhammad SAW himself.
When parties that could be in a conflict
engage in a give and take of sincere advice
as a normal mode of inter-personal and inter-group
behavior, the potential of conflict is minimized.
This happens because the parties involved
are able to correct one another’s views
and action before they become a source of
conflict.
The third element of the S-N-T formula
is Ta'wun, that is cooperation.
The Qur'an advise Muslims to cooperate with
one another. Thus the Muslim way of doing
things should be in cooperation, but within
the envelope which the Qur'an defines by
saying:
"Cooperate with one another in goodness
and piety; and do not cooperate with one
another in sin and transgression."
This attitude of practicing ta'wun in a
discrete way forces one to come to grips
with what is goodness and piety and what
is sin and transgression. And this coming
to grips with issues in a pro-active way
leads to reduced incidence of conflict that
could be dysfunctional or chronic.
Thus if one were to adopt the S-N-T
formula, that is shura, naseeha and ta'wun,
as a mode of inter-personal or inter-group
and intra-group behavior, one's effort will
be less diminished by avoidable conflict.
Back
| Next
|
